Living in the I-Don't-Knows

{If you have known me even for a short time overseas, then you know I don't like to talk about my health, despite being a glaring issue...but it is still a reality for me, so I'm finally writing about it.}

We all have those areas in our life that we don't fully understand. Places the Lord chooses to take us that seem unpleasant, painful, and without reason. Or the path that He chooses to take us on seems unfair and seemingly fruitless. These are often the things that we pray over and over about and never quite seem to get a clear and direct answer. Whether it be an estranged relationship, illness, or some other painful experience - it's just difficult. In my life, it is health.

Why have I been sick ever since the first week I arrived in Indonesia? Why can't food stay in my body? Why does the effects of it have to effect my daily life and limit my ability to do many things? And why does my husband have to suffer with Crohn's Disease? Why?

I don't know. 

I know that my God loves me as His own child, so why doesn't He just heal me and my husband? I don't know. I don't have the answer. If I did, then it would make it easier...maybe.

Despite the countless opportunities I have to ask these questions, the I don't knows have their boundaries in my heart and mind. I only allow it to go so far before I choose to boldly preach the truth to myself. Because I DO know some things for certain. "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD gives grace and glory; no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly." Psalm 84:11. God is doing something good in my life with this, He has promised to do so (Romans 8:28). This is true whether or not I can see the results from my limited temporal view. This truth was vividly illustrated for us several years ago when my oldest was two years old. We and another dear family were having so much fun hanging out and playing together that we all decided to move the fun to Chuck E Cheese's. So, we interrupted our little ones play and began to put their shoes on them. We explained to our daughter that we were going to a super fun place with her friend. As we began to pile into two separate cars (our family in one and their family in another), our daughter lost it! She began to cry hysterically and said she wanted to continue playing with her friend. Though we repeatedly tried to explain what was happening (that she'd see her in less than 5 minutes), she was absolutely inconsolable! She did not understand. If she were to be asked what we were doing, her answer would most certainly have been (in a very loud toddler-like scream), "I don't know, and I don't like it!" 

We, as her parents, knew where we were going; we knew the joy that lay ahead. We had our daughter's joy in mind, even if the temporary parting with her friend caused a bit of sadness that she didn't understand, we knew it would only be short-lived. What was amazing was when we pulled into parking lot and opened the car door, the two little girls' eyes met and were overwhelmed with joy - a greater joy than they previously experienced. The pain and sorrow my little girl had just felt had since disappeared. There was a reason for the "suffering," and an end to the confusion from it.

This is true for us in our relationship with God. God is a loving Father. He cares deeply for His children. But there are times, in love, that we are temporarily separated from what appears best and good for us in order that what is truly best and good for us will come to fruition. Sometimes it will be confusing, and we will find ourselves uttering the hopeless "I don't know," but it doesn't have to be hopeless: "Behold, I go forward but He is not there, and backward, but I cannot perceive Him; when He acts on the left, I cannot behold Him; He turns on the right I cannot see Him. But He knows the way I take; when He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold." Job 23:8-10.

The end result with our God is always our good and His great glory.

"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 1:6-7. 

I have come to realize that I don't need to know the reasons for each of my particular circumstances, I may not know until later. But what I can and do know is Him who is my All in All - God. And in Him I will trust and take refuge...even in the midst of the I don't knows.