My perfect morning was obliterated. My picturesque start to my day was rudely disrupted by none other than...my normal daily life. But today, for some reason, it was different.
That reason being God.
I was ready to start teaching my children. I had already told them to pick their toys up and head to the school room {just like every other morning}. But, for some reason, they took longer. Much longer. Crazy longer.
And that reason was God.
I headed to the school room to get things set up for the day. The balcony door open so the {hopefully} light breeze can give us a sweet reprieve from the heat. The computer turned on and ready for use. The school books laid out carefully.
I sit and wait. I call out for the girls to hurry.
I wait.
And wait.
And wait.
Waiting is not my strong suit. I don't do very well with it. The Lord knows this. And He cares. A lot. So, He {in His beautiful goodness} allowed my sweet girls to take their sweet time. He was drawing something out of me. Something ugly. Something needing to be uprooted from my heart.
I sat there in my chair. Anger rising. Thinking of all the things I would say to my kids when they finally made their way into the room. I actually felt my teeth clenching. {ugh.}
And then it happened. Grace.
God pressed upon my heart the truth. That this anger I was engulfed in was my choice. I was choosing anger. Feeding it.
I began to speak truth to myself.
"The anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." James 1:20
"...slow to anger..." James 1:9
"So, as those chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." Colossians 3:12-13
A true battle raging within me. Wanting to please the Lord and walk in the way of righteousness, yet at the very same time wanting the sin. Wanting to hold on and fan this flame of anger. Such ugliness. {sigh}
"For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want." Romans 7:18-19
I finally cried out to the Lord in a desperate plea, "Oh God, I need You right here, right now. I confess that I actually want to sin; I want to be angry. I am wanting evil. But, God, deep down, what I really want is for You to rescue me from it. Help me, Lord."
My heart pounding in my chest.
My sin not giving up easily.
Then grace.
Sweet grace; like freshly falling snow.
He came. Slowly. Effectively.
In the same way that I was choosing to sin, He was inviting me to choose righteousness. To think upon the grace so lavishly poured out upon me in Christ. To do the same for my own children. The ones I love so dear.
My heartbeat slowing.
You see, this morning was not about my children's tardiness or their lack of meeting my expectations or even their disobedience. It was about me. My sin. And God was ready to address it - and He did. Very well. With gentleness and a sharp doubled-edged sword.
I breathe slow. Free.
Once my girls finally made it upstairs, they saw my tear-stained cheeks that just moments ago ran wet. They asked me what is wrong. I told them I would share it later, but for now we can pray and thank God for His ever-present, always-ready grace for us in our time of need.
O Lord, truly You are our very present help in trouble. Thank you for Your love and grace shown to me today. Thank you for Your patience with me, even when I am not. You are faithful. Always. Amen.
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