Oh how I need Jesus.
"For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate." Romans 7:15
I did it again. I spoke to my daughter harshly. In frustration, seeking to reach her emotional heart with snarky tones and unhelpful comments. Resulting in being just plain mean. The complete opposite of what I truly desire to do.
"For what I am doing, I do not understand..."
I humbly declare alongside of John Newton, "I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior."
I need Jesus. I need Him when my eyes are still full of sleep in the morning. When I am pouring the milk into my children's cereal bowls. When the squabbles begin {again} over whose turn it is. When my sink is overflowing from last night's labor of love. I need Him with every breath I take.
My daughter's eyes begin filling with tears at my insensitive words that are only hurting, not helping. My own heart breaking at the sight.
"...for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate."
This parenting thing is hard. And is only getting harder with each passing year. It is far more invasive to the soul than we care to imagine. I learn so much of my own capacity and temptation to sin through training up my children in the Lord. It is so easy for me to fall into sin {namely impatience, irritability, anger and the like} as I correct my children.
"Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted." Galatians 6:1
I stop. Recognizing my sin. This is not "restor[ing]...in a spirit of gentleness."
Nothing is quite as humbling as when I am correcting my child, sin in the process, and then have to come back and seek forgiveness for the very thing that I am correcting her for. {Sigh.}
Oh, but it is so good; for her and for me.
This is where real happens. Where sin and grace meet. Where my child gets to see what the Cross paid for. This is the place where I get to introduce {or re-introduce} my sweet gift to the Sweetest Gift. She gets to see her mom humbly approach the throne of grace and receive mercy and find grace in her time of need. My child gets to see the only One who can make our brokenness whole again.
In the midst of the agony of seeing my sin {again}, I cry out with Paul, "Wretched {wo}man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?" Romans 7:24.
Then, the all-we-will-ever-need answer comes: "But thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" vs. 25
JESUS!
Broken over my sin, I begin to pour out my heart to Him, and before I know it I am enveloped in the forgiving and loving arms of my Savior, feeling much like the prodigal son must have.
My tears flowing heavy in thanks. Mercy and grace found me. More than I deserve. More than I can contain.
Who loves like that? Who can take my filth and give me grace in return? I know none but Jesus. And I pray that my children will grow to know this as well.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness...my little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous; and He Himself is the [satisfaction] for our sins..." 1 John 1:9; 2:1-2
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me!
O Lord, I know well that I am a sinner in need of undeserved grace. My sin is great, but my Savior is greater. By Your grace, I ask for the strength to stand back up and choose righteousness. I thank You that Your answer is always 'yes' to this request. Jesus, You are all I will ever need. Amen.
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